Alone with God
Last night I had a dream that I was born again. Not in the sense of becoming born again in a religion. But actually born again. Here I was a brand new infant, but nothing seemed new to me. The doctors, hospital lights. The warmth of my mother’s breast.
its like I’ve been here before. A series of deja vu. All I could think to myself was oh God. Not this shit again. Why am I here again? Why am I starting this life all over? Was there a lesson that I missed? Was there something that I needed to relearn? I cried & cried for three days straight, but no one could hear me. I fussed and fought all night. Nobody paid me any mind. I was helpless as I laid there in my cradle. Hearing the cold winter rain colliding on the window made me think about my life previous.
A plethora of thoughts rushed my tiny brain. Thoughts of my adolescent years in grade school began to dominate my thoughts. The teachers, the vibrant colors surrounding the classroom became so vivid. Voices of my peers laughing and playing kept me calm. I even thought of my best friend at the time. His name was rich. And how we were so inseparable during our youth. Then I immediately came back to the present moment and wondered how he was doing. And how come we never stayed close after high school. Someone I considered my brother. In my life previous I just thought to myself. People just outgrow each other and that’s life I guess. But I couldn’t help but to think if there was anything I could have done to kept our friendship going. Then I thought about Tonya. My first love. And how she was perfect in my eyes at the time. And how close our parents were. So the transition of families would’ve been a piece of cake. Her skin so dark and rich like Godiva chocolate. Her teeth as white as snow. Her smile was infectious. She was untouched and trusted me to give her body to. And how at some point I knew she would be my wife. But somewhere down the line, I let my lust & curiosity for other women get the best of me.
Laying in this cradle I think to myself. Was there anything I could’ve done to salvage my relationship with her. Then I thought of my father. And how I was his only male heir. How he was an upright man of God. And I was the opposite. In love with climax. mingled up in things that served me no good. I wondered to myself if I let him down and would he ever admit that I let him down. He probably wouldn’t. Still here I was drowning in my thoughts that I could do nothing about. If only I could go back in time and change things I thought to myself. Then I heard a voice. As I stared into the ceiling from my cradle. The voice said. You can only start from the beginning and not the middle or the end. I grew more frightful. I started to cry for my mother.But no one came. The voice appeared again. This time more mightier then before. Would you like to start over and undo all that you’ve done? Answer NOW said the voice. No matter how hard I tried the words weren’t coming out of my mouth. Im just an infant for godsake I thought. Your wrong the voice responded. Your not just an infant. You understand everything. You know what you’ve done said the voice. Then I cried out with tears streaming down my cheeks., what is it that you want from me? What is it that you need me to do? All I could hear was an echo of silence. Tell me what is it that you want from me and I’ll do it. Still no answer. Then I thought of saying that I’d be willing to start my life over from the beginning. But then I thought about all the adventures and the journeys and mistakes & relationships I made along the way. And how everything I’ve experienced shaped me into the man I am today.
Even if the best thing for me was to start over I couldn’t. I couldn’t Take another lesson or another heartbreak. Regardless of my regrets, I was full with this life. And couldn’t take another bite of it. If I was to start over that means undoing all the joy & laughter that came along with it. The bonds and cherished relationships I possessed. The bit of good that I did sprinkle into the world, all of this had meaning. I was content I thought to myself. “And so it is” Said the voice. Then I immediately awoke in my king sized bed in a puddle of sweat a full sized man.